Of Dreams and Flowing Time
by LinSetsu
Summary: "Sensei died when he was 24. I'm older now than he ever was." Kakashi collapses on his way home after a mission and wakes up to find an unexpected man sitting beside him. Oneshot


**A/N:** I've written this so that it can be read and enjoyed as canon for the most part. If you're curious where it really stems from, see my notes below.

Disclaimer: I do not own "Naruto."

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 **Of Dreams and Flowing Time**

Dreams were nothing new to Kakashi. They clung to him as stubbornly as his shadow and slipped into his sleep on those occasions when he was just too _tired_ to keep up his guard.

Most of the time he saw nameless faces skewered at the tip of his sword and watched their petrified eyes roll back as death claimed them. Men, women, shinobi, civilian, young, old, rich, penniless – they all lay equally lifeless at the Hound's feet. Their pool of blood reflected the harsh visage of the ANBU mask and a single Sharingan eye, spinning as if in agony.

Then there were the dreams of battles and chaos, smoke and blinding flashes, whistling weapons and guttural screams. Sometimes he saw the Third Raikage standing amidst a shower of lightning and he relived that thunderous afternoon when a thousand shinobi threw themselves against his impenetrable defense in a desperate bid to end the war.

At other times he saw his teacher's back and the white Hokage robe billowing in the scorching wind as Konoha burned under the Kyuubi's attack. He saw that same robe being gutted by the Fox's claw and held it in a white knuckled grip as Minato reached for his wife and drew his last breath.

Even worse were the dreams of his friends and teammates dying beneath his hands – dying for his mistakes, his weaknesses and his careless words. He felt their weakening grasps on his clothes, smelled the metallic scent of too much blood and listened to their finals words as they passed their wills onto him. He woke from those dreams with a crushing sense of guilt and the knowledge that he was incapable of fulfilling any one of their wishes.

Yet, this dream was different.

There was no blood, no battle, no dying words.

In this dream, Minato stood before him, the only presence in a dark, empty space. His teacher's eyes were somber and a slight crease of his brows expressed his displeasure. He didn't say a word as he stared at Kakashi and Kakashi didn't need to ask anything to understand. He wasn't surprised when he saw Sakumo next, the same pained expression darkening his gaunt face, just as it had in the hours before his suicide.

 _I let you down._

They didn't reply. Of course they wouldn't. They only turned and faded into the dark. When Kakashi tried to follow, he woke up.

The sky was the color of burning coals beyond the trees, which was odd. He remembered the sun had barely been in the sky when his strength had finally given way a stone's throw from Konoha's walls. Scraping together the last crumbs of his failing chakra, he had just barely managed to summon Pakkun to keep guard before he fell into darkness.

Kakashi sluggishly rolled his one exposed eye to the side and blinked slowly. He was too exhausted to show any more of a reaction to the sight of Jiraiya sitting beside him, writing in a notebook while Pakkun dangled from his hand. The dog's teeth were firmly dug into the Sannin's flesh and his short body swayed in time to the rhythm of the man's writing.

"Get this pup off will you?" Jiraiya grumbled without looking up.

"…Pakkun." It took several tries for him to push sound through his parched throat.

With a grunt, the dog released his grip and hopped onto Kakashi's chest. "You alive?"

"Looks like it," Kakashi replied. "You can go now, I'll be fine. Thanks."

The loyal dog stared down at Kakashi for a long moment before bobbing his short snout in a nod. "Call me if you need me."

A cool autumn breeze raked over the forest floor and dispersed the smoke left in Pakkun's wake. It also made Kakashi acutely aware of how cold he was and he quickly took stock of his depleted chakra and physical condition. He could move, but barely. Every muscle felt sore and his limbs were heavy. The week old gash in his leg was throbbing. He was getting too old for three back to back S-rank missions.

A satisfied hum brought his attention back to the white haired legend beside him. Jiraiya was still scribbling into his book with a cheerful smirk, seemingly unconcerned by the fading light or increasing cold.

"Jiraiya-sama."

"Hmm?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Research. There's a secluded hotspring just a little further into the forest. I was collecting vital data when a girl walked in saying she saw a dead man under a bush."

Kakashi made a vague sound in the back of his throat, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. He figured he should say something sarcastic, or at least ask about the next long awaited Icha Icha adventure, but just the thought of it took too much energy. It didn't matter. Jiraiya was one of the few people left with whom he didn't have to pretend to be okay.

The Sannin took his eyes from the paper and peered down at him. "Chakra burnout?"

Chakra burnout, physical burnout, mental burnout, everything. Everything just felt too fucking heavy. Moving another step, taking another breath, thinking another thought, remembering another dead friend killed by his hand – it was all too much. Too much effort. Too much pain.

 _God the pain_. It writhed inside him like a sharpened blade tearing everything open. When he was younger the agony would make him stumble into the bathroom to vomit violently and drive him half crazy until he was holding a kunai's blade to his throat before he knew it. Now, though the pain was no less excruciating, he had learned to hold still and let it wreak havoc, knowing it would eventually subside to a bone deep exhaustion.

Chakra burnout? "Something like that."

Jiraiya huffed and went back to his writing.

A long moment passed in silence, broken only by the scratch of pen on paper, the scuttle of wild creatures settling in or preparing for the night and an occasional whine as the wind blew between the ancient trees.

He was expected back in Konoha by nightfall. Sandaime needed his report. Gai would be looking for another duel. He needed to visit Obito at the Memorial. He was meant to test a team of freshly graduated Genin in the morning. It wouldn't do to be late.

"I turned 25 the other week," Kakashi said, letting all the other thoughts ramble into oblivion.

"You want me to sing you happy birthday or what?"

Kakashi closed his eye and continued in the same, hollow voice. "Sensei died when he was 24. I'm older now than he ever was."

The sound of writing stopped and he heard Jiraiya murmur, "Time only stops for the dead."

"Time is meaningless. Even older than him, I still can't figure out half the things he said. The way he looked at me sometimes. He and Father both. As if they knew I'd let them down. As if they knew I'd destroy everything they left in my hands… and I did."

He lifted a hand over his face and glared at it. He had crushed so many hearts with this very hand, he could almost feel the sensation of soft flesh beating its final pulse against his skin.

"Father thought I was too young to graduate the Academy. Minato-sensei wanted us to wait before taking the Jounin exam." He clenched the fist tight and pressed it hard into his face. "I wish they would have stopped me. Why didn't they listen to themselves? Why did they let me become the scum that I am? Why wait until now to remind me of all my failures?"

Jiraiya snorted. "What a boring brat you are."

Kakashi glanced at him from under his hand. "Boring?"

"You may be older than Minato, but I can tell you this: Minato had 24 more years of fun in him than you. That's why you can't understand how he felt."

"What does fun have to do with anything?"

"It makes us feel sorry for sad flops like you who grew up with a stick up your ass."

"Stick or no stick, we grew up in war. Fun wasn't a part of life."

"So what was Uchiha Obito? What was your team?"

Kakashi fell silent.

"If they came to you now – at five or ten years of age – asking you to hurry up and throw them into this shithole of a world, would you do it?"

"No." Not knowing what he did now.

"Well there you have it."

Kakashi stared blankly at the older man.

Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "You never let anyone down kid. Sakumo and Minato only tried to protect you. They tried to give you more time to have fun. Not that you would have taken it, being the insolent brat that you were."

Protect him? Give him time to have fun? The notions were so foreign it almost made Kakashi laugh. It had never occurred to him – that day in Minato's kitchen – that his teacher had only wanted to shield him from a world that would eventually rob him of everything he held dear. Everything – until Kakashi was the only one left standing.

War waited for no one.

Was that why Minato had looked so hurt? Not because of anything Kakashi had done but because of the dark inevitability that had faced them all during those days? He wondered if Obito had been aware of any of this. Most likely. For all his foolishness, he had always known what was most important.

Kakashi let his hand fall to the cold ground and released a long breath. Sometimes he was convinced he was the dumbest genius ever born. "Just one more failure to add to the list."

"Don't worry kid." Jiraiya rested a large, calloused hand on his head and Kakashi felt soothing waves of chakra trickle into him. It wasn't the warmth of a healer's touch but it eased his mind and weighed his eyelids. Jiraiya's voice sounded as if from a distance. "A time will come for us to face our mistakes."

"Before the gates of hell?" Kakashi mumbled.

Jiraiya snorted. "Before then hopefully. Maybe we'll even be given the chance to redeem ourselves. Wouldn't that be nice?"

Kakashi wasn't sure that was even possible but the words were soft on his ears and he wanted to hear more. "And then what?"

"And then we get to go meet all the people already on the other side and tell them about everything good we've done. They'll smile and welcome us with open arms, bring up old jokes and tease us for growing old. Then they'll clap us on the back and tell us – we did okay."

Feeling his consciousness drift along with the gentle lull of the Sannin's voice and his chakra, Kakashi eased his eye closed again and smiled softly under his mask.

"Now that's a dream I'd like to see."

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 **A/N:** Thank you for reading this short oneshot. It's based on an AU I'm currently rewriting called "Nakama," featuring a very different Team Minato. Obito is an Uchiha elite, Kakashi isn't obsessed with the rules and their third team member is Rin's cousin, a headstrong kunoichi called Midori. If you're looking for a story with a lot of character development or a different take on Kakashi's past, give it a try.

Lastly, I always love hearing from my readers so please leave a comment and I promise I'll get back to you.

.LinSetsu.


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